Monday, November 19, 2007

You down with MVP? Yeah you know me!

I sit here today having won my third MVP award but I'm still not the happiest guy in the world. ESPN has yet to update my fantasy player card and two bozos from the midwest voted for Magglio "My hair is longer than Jessica Simpson" Ordonez. Hello, McFly! You kept me from winning unanimously which was one of the accomplishments I dreamed myself winning with my career visioning coach. That's just now right, the Rod-meister would be more upset, but the image of Jessica Simpson is a little distracting.

Now Magglio is a fine player in his own right, but did he lead the league in HR's? Okay, how about RBI? No? Maybe runs? No? He did hit .363 and that's no mean feat. And he did rack up 54 doubles but I almost doubled him in HR's, 54 to 28. That's two times the fun of going yard. Speaking of doubles, Jessica Simpson is distracting me again, maybe I should give her a call. Do you think she saw that picture of me in the NY Post in Toronto with a 'woman of the night'. My favorite movie, Pretty Woman, was on TNT over the weekend. I must have watched it like 5 times and cried every single time. For some reason that movie always makes me want to buy a Lotus and drive around Hollywood boulevard. Too bad I only know how to drive an automatic. Okay, you got me, I don't even know how to drive a car, that's why I want to stay in!

Saturday, November 17, 2007

From one billionaire to another....

Someone leaked to the WSJ about my main man Warren "The King of Schwing" Buffett advising me to cut out Scotty B and get in touch with the Yanks through some guys we know at a little place known as Goldman Sachs. I'm not a fan of leaks, especially when they are about me, but by now all of you know that Scotty B isn't my favorite person on this planet (or any other). Wily Warren and I chat frequently about investing strategies, he's talked me out of investing in industries that I know well - pharmaceuticals, genomics / human performance science - and into things that appeal to most common Americans. Not knowing any common Americans I had to watch the film Supersize Me to get a handle on what 'real people' are like.

Pretty nasty stuff if you ask me though it did remind me of Mo Vaughn - man, that guy could hit (and eat)! Here is a personal favorite shot of Mo and Rocket going at it on the mound. They didn't even realize other guys were around to watch them, I guess a little bi-curiosity gone astray. Enough said on the topic, all this talk of Mo Vaughn is making me hungry. Time to make a run for the border...

Friday, November 16, 2007

Bye, bye Scotty B!

ESPN is now reporting that my main man Kenny Rogers Roasters (man, I used to love their chicken!) is dropping my former agent Scott "Bungling Boar" Boras. Am I surprised? No, not much surprises the Rod-meister. The guy is a leech and I wouldn't trust him with my sister. He's been sucking up 5% of people's contracts for a long, long time without creating or adding any value. He's like a pimple that just won't go away. Note to Scotty B, if I see you again, anywhere watch your back - the Rod-meister lost over $20 million thanks to your incompetence and that's going to come out of your hide. Don't get the Rod-meister angry. I may always look stoic on the outside, but I threw up a little bit in my mouth when I heard the Yankees were not going to cut me a fat extension thanks to Bungling Boar's mis-steps. Repeat after the Rod-meister, "I am a weak, sniveling, horrific excuse for a human being".

Thursday, November 15, 2007

10 years, $275 million

Wow, I can't believe it myself! I have to play for the Yankees for another 10 years (ugh!). Boston would have been nice, or even LA, but both of them were too cheap to ante up for the big Rod-meister. Scotty B promised me a 25 year deal worth $1 billion dollars so this falls way short, I think I'll have to take the difference out of his cut of every client contract he does from here on out (which may not be very many the way he bungled this situation!)

Can I break the home run record? Probably, now that Bonds has been indicted on perjury charges. If Mr. Big Head stayed clean (or should I just call him Mr. Clear and Mr. Cream - wait a second, that's pretty close to Mr. Clean!) then it would be tough to beat but if he is convicted and gets the max sentence of 30 years he'll be 73 when he gets out and I doubt he'll be swinging much of anything other than a bottle of Jack Daniels every chance he gets. I'll still be a spry 62 and probably on my third 10 year, $500 million deal by then. So Rod-meister will stay in Manhattan and torment the Yankees fans for another decade. Little know side note about my contract is that I accepted less money from the Yankees, not to stay as has been publicly reported, but because Rod-meister gets paid $5 million/year from the Red Sox annually for the next ten years for his classic October implosions. That's gold Jerry, gold! (and not the 'Bee Movie' juniors kind either). Scotty B might not be getting much love from the press, but show me another agent that can get a team I don't even play for to kick in some sweet dough. Who's the Boss now, biatch?!

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

An opening salvo from Fake A-rod

Welcome to my blog. Cynthia tells me that I need to work on polishing my image and relating to all of you, the fans (BTW, why are you called "fans"? I have a ceiling fan in my 25,000 square foot Manhattan quad-plex but it doesn't show up at baseball games). Some of you may be upset that I opted out of my record-breaking quarter-billion dollar contract with the Yankees thinking I could get more money but you have to keep in mind that Scotty Boras (who could never pass for a professional athlete and knows surprisingly little about sports) promised me that he would show me the money. I once knew a football player who used this agent, Jerry Maguire was his name, who got a big contract. I tried to use Google to find this super-agent but just kept finding references to some Renee Zellewegger (sp?) chick-flick so gave up and went with fast-talking Scotty B. He's a persuasive little rascal but I've come to realize that he can't be trusted, probably not a surprise to all you ceiling fans out there in the blogosphere.

So what to do now? Go crawling back to the Yankees ? or try to build up my Hall of Fame resume with the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, who come highly recommended by my off-season workout partner Jose Canseco? If only the Yankees would see the folly of trying to pay me less than $300 million we could get a deal done fairly quickly. Yes, I understand that it is a lot of money but it is a lot less than the Google guys have and can either of them hit a 99mph slider? Okay, if it's October I can't hit it either but since the Mr. October moniker is already taken I'm trying to go for Mr. April. The spring is a nice time of year though sometimes it's still quite cold in New York City. Maybe if the Yankees could do something about that as well it would be nice [scrawls note to self, tell Scotty B to include a heater for my locker in my next contract, A-Rod doesn't like to get chilly].

Okay, that's enough musings for now. Thanks for reading and I'll keep you in the loop as my contract talks progress. Man, it would suck to have to play in the NL...